well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
