I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
