What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
