were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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