did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
