Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
