I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
