I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
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