I wish my penis had an off switch
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
