I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
