I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
