I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
