We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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