Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
