kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
