I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
