Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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