chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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