I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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