I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
