guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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