so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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