i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
