Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Randomize
