I haven't been this sober since birth.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
