Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
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I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
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But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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