Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
