soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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