so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
