matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
