i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
