yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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