Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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