I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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