What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
