I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
