John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
do nipples grow back?
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