That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
