my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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