Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
