Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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