I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
