Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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