The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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