i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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