i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
