woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
