apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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