Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
