If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
