i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
