Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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