just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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