I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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