He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
